the fort collins homesick blues (with my apologies to gary p. nunn)

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and now Christmas is looming. This year I’ll be spending it in Texas. Y’all have heard of Texas, right?

I spent Thanksgiving in Colorado, with no snow and pleasantly mild weather. I expect Texas in December to be about the same. While I do love a good white Christmas, I’ve been pretty homesick lately and am excited to have a Texas Christmas, especially since I know a whole white spring semester here in Colorado is in front of me (y’all know I’m right!).

How to cheer up a homesick Texan:

follow her around while playing some George Strait – bonus points if you remain hidden and let her think that’s just her own personal background music
start dropping the word “y’all” anywhere you can work it in a conversation – bonus points if you get her accent to come out (but no laughing/making fun if it does)
a six-pack of Shiner Bock – bonus points if it’s the whole sampler pack
let’s be honest, gifts work no matter what the situation – no bonus points here, just you know, bring gifts

But most importantly: Don’t take her to Serious Texas Bar-B-Q….just don’t.

And now, please enjoy some old school King George:

Non-Texans, for an explanation of the title see below:

chuck norris — you-know-who agrees Texas is a great place to spend the holidays

thoughts on thanksgiving

Thanksgiving, the most genocidal of all holidays. My apologies to Native Americans, but this will actually not be a political post. I’m not afraid to say it: I love this holiday and I love turkey! I ate a turkey sandwich everyday for lunch for two years.

There’s nothing like Thanksgiving, although this year I’ll be house sitting in Colorado instead of sitting at my parents house in Texas. Luckily my parents love me enough to drive sixteen hours on Wednesday, cook a bomb dinner (thanks momma!), figure out why my jeep is doing that funny thing (thanks daddio!), and drive sixteen hours back to Texas on Saturday. (My brother lives here so they’re really getting a twofer.)

While I looooove T-day, I firmly don’t believe in Black Friday. I’m not a particular fan of shopping anyways, and I think the savings are just not worth the hassle of fighting the crowds. And am I the only who thinks it’s crazy that sales are starting on Thursday evening this year? This doesn’t bode well for the future of America : Soon stores and fast food restaurants will be open willy nilly all day Thursday, then before you know it school won’t be canceled either.

And who wants to live in that world?

turkey-no-year — don’t even think about making a run for it, bud!

However you spend your holiday, I hope it’s happy! (And that you don’t get trampled at Wal Mart.)

story time – bond style

What is the only thing that could ruin the premiere of Skyfall? Not a lot, but a probably drunk underage chick puking on you will certainly do it.

All names and places have been changed to protect the innocent (SIKE! If I knew this chick’s name, I’d totally tell you.) Well, actually she didn’t puke on me. She sat down right next to me but after she started moaning during the previews and her boyfriend ran to get her a large empty cup, I moved to the other side of my hotshot. An empty chair is all that separated him and this chick, but she passed out right as the movie started so we figured it was all good (well not good, but you know what I mean). Why this couple chose to sit right in the middle of the row, in a midnight premiere of a super crowded, highly anticipated movie, I’ll never know.

About halfway through, she sat up and let loose….and guess what? That large fountain cup wasn’t big enough. She was pretty nonchalant about it, her boyfriend was embarrassed, I was covering my ears and trying not to gag, and my hotshot was bolting out of the row. It was a hot mess. I hit the bathroom, trying not repeat her performance. My hotshot, braver than I, had actually seen her throw up all over her sweater and hair, and was describing it to me (I think in defense of his immediate reaction to run away and leave me there).

Her boyfriend and his pals congregated in the back of the theater, discussing how to get her home (ummm, drive her there?). He was super apologetic to my hotshot, explaining that she hadn’t been feeling well all evening – and this some made it worse. You don’t stick around a super crowded, highly anticipated movie theater if you need to bring something to puke in with you.

skyfall — Have I mentioned this was a super crowded, highly anticipated movie?

It may take a while before I can stomach to finish this movie, but the first third of it was awesome (visually stunning!).

if you aren’t watching parks and rec, you’re doing it wrong

And here are a few compelling reasons why:

We’ve all been to Whole Foods:

We all deserve to treat ourselves every once and a while:

Puppies!!!

Life lessons for the fellas:

I once had a typewriter. Best two weeks of my life:

This:

And this.

In closing:

Did I just become a (Kenny Rogers Style) gambler?

In all my time in Colorado, this weekend was the first time I hit the slots in Blackhawk. And I loved it!

heavy lipstick — Advice from a seasoned Blackhawk veteran

I started things off with some penny slots, with a little confusion (so many buttons!) but also little luck. So we moved on to the real action – blackjack. And I was on fire! I can’t emphasize this enough: winning is awesome, y’all.

Soon I was ready to try my hand at rolling with the big boys. Mainly I wanted to try craps because it looks so fun in movies, but I couldn’t figure out what to do. It looks complicated, plus there is always a huge crowd of people who don’t particularly look like they want to answer any questions I might have. (Gamblers aren’t as chatty as you’d think.)

But I still wanted to try something different. Feeling lucky and emboldened by a quick google search, I hit the roulette table and took a chance on red – and it paid off! I’m not sure whether it was my lucky heavy lipstick or mismatched socks that made me such a big winner, but it felt amazing. After a few more rolls of the ball thingy I decided to quit while I was ahead, and then promptly lost all my profits at the next blackjack table. Of course.

Besides having the time of my life, I learned two valuable things this weekend:

Lady luck is a fickle mistress. And I look pretty good in lipstick.

the mystery and wonder of kitchen utensils

Let’s discuss kitcheny things, shall we? My mom is an amazing chef. She sometimes teaches cooking classes, and has a myriad of different experiences in the industry. I’m not sure if she realizes what a sub-par cook I am (well, now she might – hi mom!). Regardless, we have done the “I’m gonna teach you how to cook, girl!” thing a few times. Recently it’s changed into “you should learn a few go-to recipes.” I’m sure soon it will be “don’t be afraid, girl! It’s just a piece of chicken.”

Besides patiently telling reminding me how to bake a potato when I call, she also buys me a lot of cool gadgets. This rolly thing that takes the outside of a garlic clove off. An ove glove. A mood ring meat thermometer (no numbers, just colors!). So the world’s tiniest kitchen is pretty tricked out. Unfortunately, I’m not even sure how to use half of these things correctly. Besides – a lot of gadgets minus a dishwasher = a lot of bummer house work.

So thanks for all the cool stuff, mom! I really do appreciate everything. But today I used a ladle to eat cereal and flip a grilled cheese.

(spoiler alert: I burned one of them)

71tgO20c9FL._SL500_ — who still needs to get me a christmas present?

it gets intimate as i reveal the deep dark secrets…of my Netflix queue.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my Netflix recommendations:

Suspenseful TV Dramas Featuring a Strong Female Lead

Am I a feminist and never realized it? Or is my obsession with Revenge not a particularly well-kept secret?

Classic Witty Romantic Comedies

What can I say? I’m a classy witty chick who likes to laugh. No questions here.

British Crime TV Shows from the 1980s

here’s the only reasoning I was given:

Your taste preferences created this row:

1980s

TV shows

Lol oh Netflix… Who doesn’t love the 1980s and TV shows, honestly?

Critically-Acclaimed Visually-Striking Foreign Dramas

This is where it gets a bit weird. Sorry cinema snobs, but critically acclaimed movies are usually sad or require me to think – not exactly what I’m looking for in entertainment. Also I hate subtitles. Fail, Netflix.

Feel-Good Talking-Animal Animation for ages 8 to 10

Uhhh….awkward. Not that I don’t love feel-good talking-animal animation, actually. Have y’all seen Despicable Me?! Adorbs. It’s just awkward to see this listed with such a specific age group. (Is this indicative of my comprehension level of movies? No wonder I don’t like critically-acclaimed visually-striking foreign dramas!)

Inspiring Biographical Fight-the-System Documentaries

The title of this row makes me go “huh?” Then I saw the first recommendation is about Ben and Jerry building their empire and go “ohhhh.” It’s like Netflix really knows I’d like to be highbrow but love ice cream too much. Whoa, complex. This probably means the rise of the machines can’t be too far off.

Emotional Independent Father-Son Movies

Umm what? I don’t even…..huh? Scratch that last rise of the machines prediction – Netty can’t even get my gender right.

Gritty Thrillers

This probably says a lot more about me than my subconscious preference for strong female leads.

Violent Action & Adventure Based on Real Life

It’s like Netflix refuses to believe I’m a girl. Or is trying to convince me to get in touch with my inner masculine side. (There is nothing wrong with that, right? Completely normal for a chick to be into violent action. Somebody reassure me! …please?)

*Not listed: a bunch of quirky things. Quirky Sitcoms and Quirky TV Shows, etc. What can I say? Apparently I’m quirky. It does have a nicer ring to it than ‘odd,’ which is what I’m used to. So I guess thanks for that, Netty.

what do hockey players look like under all that padding?

I will definitely be attending a few Colorado Eagles games this season – my hotshot is what you call a pretty big fan. I used to dismiss it as just an adorable quirk of his, but in the last couple of seasons I’ve gone from “Eagles? Why not just keep driving and watch some professional hockey in Denver” to a self-proclaimed big fan. See, people can change!

Besides, any sport that this can happen in a fit of anger has my vote:

I wasn’t at this actual game, unfortunately. But if this is how the assistant coach channels his anger, I’ll keep sticking around to see if it happens again. No shame here.

I actually met this coach on Saturday night. After an exciting game we headed over to the after show at this restaurant/bar in town – a fun post-game tradition where the owner, coaches, and a few players will show up and chat with everybody. FYI y’all, sometimes the players are hard to recognize – the look very different cleaned up and in person than with a helmet on or in their PR photos.

But we did recognize the Eagles owner, Mr. Backstrom, and the aforementioned Assistant Coach “Greatest Temper Tantrum by an Adult in Public Ever” Pankewicz. Let me set the scene: A bar, a band just started playing, and a lot of people – fans, groupies and drunks. So we spot the owner and head over to shake his hand – I was so nervous! How do you tell somebody you hope to be as rich as him someday and by the way is he in the market for a young personal assistant or intern/chauffer or anyyyything? – so I panicked and just said “great game!” He said (he is an older gentleman and remember that band is playing not twenty feet away from us) something I couldn’t hear but kind of gestured to the assistant coach sitting next to him. I assumed it was “oh I had nothing to do with it” or something more eloquent than just the “nope” I thought he said at the time. So he gestures to Coach Pankewicz and I make the move to shake his hand and then one of those oh this will be hilarious! ideas popped into my head so I lean in and go “Nice to meet you! I’m really looking forward to you taking all your clothes off on the ice again this season.”

Yes. I said that. To a stranger.

That video was taken two seasons ago and I’m sure he’s sick of hearing about it (or, as I like to imagine, secretly thinks what he did was awesome). He just gave a kind of an embarrassed chuckle and just kept saying “oh no, oh no, oh no” in some kind of Canadian/Minnesotan/Far North accent so I just flashed him a smile and got out of there before I started laughing too hard to ruin the moment.

I’ve never felt so conspicuous or awesome at the same time. It was glorious.

>>>

Girly shoutout/hotshot brag: On our way out of the bar we had to cross the empty dance floor right in front of the band, so my hotshot turned, gave me a spin and a dip, then led me out of the place without missing a beat. That handsome fella knows how to make an exit, y’all!

Confessions of a living baseball jinx

I have a confession to make. I am the reason my beloved Rangers lost this week to the Orioles. My southern hospitality and amazing hostess manners are to blame.

I loaned my lucky #32 Rangers shirt to a friend in duress (she needed a change of clothes for ~~a walk of shame~~ just a walk! a plain ol walk somewhere!) about a month or so ago – and the Rangers consistently put up poor performances since then, Josh Hamilton especially. I can’t believe it took me until Friday night to notice (and frantic texts/phone calls to please return a ratty old t-shirt to the other side of town immediately were not received very well), but there you have it. All. My. Fault. I’m a little afraid to come clean to all those intimidating guys but the air needs to be cleared, yall! Probably shouldn’t offer to buy Hamilton a drink…think he likes brownies? Ron Washington looks like a pie guy, amiright? Is this punishment for being friends with a Rockies fan?

Sidenote: Does anybody know where/how I can reach Josh Hamilton to apologize?

Second sidenote: How well does pie travel by mail?